Hello everyone,
We wanted to take a moment to talk about something that may or may not be on your mind when it comes to adoption: terminology. We know that doesn’t sound glamorous, but there is value and importance behind knowing what words to use to honor our future child’s story.
We’ve all been taught from a young age that words matter. Maybe you grew up in a house with similar rules to the ones we grew up with: you say please and thank you, you don’t call people names, and “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
At times we can use words without even realizing that they are hurtful, demeaning, or even just uncomfortable or grating. This is especially true with complex experiences/situations that not everyone is familiar with, like adoption.
Below are a few terms that you may have heard, or used, in regards to adoption, followed by the term or terms that are more constructive or nuanced.
Give Up vs Placed
A common way to talk about a birth parent placing their child for adoption is by saying they “gave up” the child. While the intention of this is to say that they relinquished their parental rights to raise the child, it has a sense of discarding or quitting. A more helpful way to talk about this incredibly selfless act is to say that a child was “placed” for adoption. It is an intentional act of generosity and bravery for a birth parent to recognize that they are not in the correct season of life to parent and instead choose an adoptive family for their child. Saying they “placed” the child honors this sentiment. It also tells the child that they were chosen and loved by their birth parents, not “given up” or “discarded.”
Real Parents vs Birth Parents/Family of Origin/First Family
The question “Do you know your real parents?”, “What about your real parents?”, or something along these lines is a question that many adopted individuals may get in their lives. The intention is to ask about the adopted individual’s family of origin before living with their adoptive parents. However, adoptive parents are very real. A better term to talk about parents of origin is “birth parents” or “family of origin,” or even “first family,” because that is what they are. Both adoptive parents and birth parents are “real” parents to an adopted child, and both sets of parents matter, especially to the child.
“Adopted” as an adjective (and the use of “was”/ “is” as a qualifier)
Sometimes it’s unavoidable to use the word “adopted” as an adjective when speaking about someone, especially when speaking about the actual act of adoption (we’re obviously using it a lot in this blog post!). However, whenever possible it’s best to avoid using “adopted” as an adjective when describing children; doing so can send a message that the child’s position with the family must be “qualified” - especially if there are non-adopted children in the same family. After a child is adopted, they are simply a child in the family. We will be introducing our future child as “our child,” not our “adopted child.”
Additionally, adoption is a one-time thing - it happens, and then it’s over. Therefore it is best, when adoption is mentioned as a part of the child’s story, to say “she/he was adopted” rather than “she/he is adopted.” While adoption is a part of their story and part of who they are, it is not an event that is ongoing. When we say “she/he is adopted” it can say to the child that their adoption could be rescinded and that it is not final, when in reality it is final. It was how the child joined the family, and has no bearing on their status as a family member after that point.
“Keep” vs “Parent” a child
Saying that a birth mother chooses to “keep” her child can conjure ideas of possession while simultaneously ignoring the active role of parenting. Instead, the term “choose to parent” is preferred as it denotes the empowered, active decision to parent the child instead of placing their child for adoption (which is of course her right as a parent!). In the case the birth mother we are matched with later decides to parent her child, we will celebrate that choice!
The goal in being careful with our words in regards to adoption is to be able to speak openly and truthfully about the adoption process with positive language that builds up birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees.
These are just a few terms that we thought would be helpful to bring to your attention. Perhaps you knew some of them, or all of them, already. Perhaps some or all of them were new!
Below are a couple really great (short) articles that have some more information on the subject of positive adoption language. They are a quick and very helpful read:
Words Matter - Adoption Terminology
Using Accurate Adoption Language
Thank you all for your continued support,
Bethany and Phil