Hello all,

We wanted to take some time to update you on the adoption journey in a little more detail. Adoption can be complicated and have very few straight answers to some basic questions (how long, how much, who, etc.) so we want to do our best to keep you informed as we continue on this journey. This will be our last update on the process for a while due to the sensitivity and the ups and downs of the next part of this journey. We look forward to sharing more news with you when the time comes.

We are officially at the point where we’re considered a “family in waiting” with our agency! This means that expectant mothers can see our profile on the agency website, and have a physical profile book they can look through to get to know us a bit as they consider placing their child for adoption.

“Expectant mother” can mean a lot. It can mean someone who just found out they’re six weeks along and aren’t sure if they want to choose to parent, or choose to make a plan for adoption. It can mean someone who just gave birth yesterday (though at that point they are a “birth mother”) and has decided to place for adoption. And it can be anything in between or even up until a few months past birth.

We may get a call saying there is a baby born and we’ve been chosen by the birth mother and within a day we have a baby in our home. Or we may meet an expectant mother who has a due date months away, who found a few profiles that she liked, and wants to get to know all of the potential adoptive parents a little better so she’s meeting us all in person.

At some point, we will be “matched” meaning that we were chosen by an expectant/birth mother to be her child’s adoptive parents. Because of unknowns, and out of respect for the birth family (this is their and our future child’s story- not ours!), we will not be sharing details, or when we have matched. Keep in mind that a match doesn’t mean a guarantee that adoption is moving forward, as an expectant mom can change her mind during a period of time. But, “matching” is a necessary step in the adoption process (see the section below on detailing some helpful numbers during this process).

Placement would be the next step after a match, which is when the child comes into our home after birth. Placement is considered a foster arrangement.We desire to give ourselves some space to bond and cocoon for a couple weeks after birth, before introducing our child to others.

Some fun facts about babies while they are in utero is that they can smell their mom’s scent, know her heartbeat, know her voice and the voices of those around her; as a result, the baby knows that mom will provide for their every need. When a baby is placed for adoption, they are learning new voices, smells, sounds, heartbeats… and therefore need to be shown that their adoptive parents will indeed provide for their needs. They are also grieving the loss of the people whose smells, voices, and sounds were familiar to them and are no longer there.

Because of this, cocooning and bonding will be beneficial not just for the baby, but for us too, as we jump into instant parenthood. It is in this same vein that it will be a while before we invite others to hold our child, as the simplicity of physical touch between baby and adoptive parents can play a huge role in bonding.

There are a few helpful numbers as part of the placement phase of adoption that we think are helpful:

  • 72 - A birth mother cannot sign any paperwork to place their child for adoption for 72 hours after birth. This is to allow for sound mind and reasoning and avoid any sense of coercion of a new mother.

  • 30 - After birth, a birth father has 30 days to come forward to claim parental rights of a child. This is done in our state through a father registry that any sexually active man has a responsibility to check. The adoption agency checks this registry until 30 days post birth.

  • 60 - A birth mother has 60 days before she needs to sign the documents to choose to place her child for adoption. Until that signature, even if the child is placed in the home of adoptive parents, the child is still legally her child and the adoptive parents are acting as foster parents. A birth mother can sign the placement papers earlier than 60 days, but (understandably so) often wait until the time window closes before they sign

  • 10/14 - A birth mother has 10 business days or 14 calendar days from the time her signature is written on the placement forms to change her mind and choose to parent instead.

Once all of these time milestones have been met, the “legal risk” period of the placement ends. The “legal risk” period is simply the time between birth and the adoptive parents taking on legal guardianship of the child before the official adoption is finalized in court.

If you’re keeping track, that’s about 3 months of time after the birth of a child where the adoption is not completely certain. We have prepared ourselves for the potential of having a baby in our home under our care and then that baby going back to their birth family (and while we would have feelings of loss we would need to process, we fully support and rejoice in a mother choosing to parent). We invite you, our village, to consider and prepare for what that might look like for you so that you can process any emotions you feel, while you hold space for us to feel our emotions as well.

As you can see, there are so many variations of what could happen in this adoption journey. It is often said that every adoption is like a fingerprint, no two are the same. So until it all happens, we wait. We are excited for the day when we get to introduce you to our newest family member! Until then, please join us in the waiting (a waiting that often has very little information). We ask for prayers for peace in the unknown, the waiting and the hard mental and emotional decisions.

Thanks,
Bethany and Phil